


Heavenly Blossoms

by Kokoai



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Asphyxiation, Character Death, First Kiss, Hanahaki Disease, Love Confessions, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 06:51:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20541902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kokoai/pseuds/Kokoai
Summary: Flowers, a symbol of love and adoration. That came with such a sickening taste when sprouted from the seeds of lonely love.Much like a flower will wilt or spring again the next spring, a person who's love blossomed in the worst ways will either wither or bloom into a stronger person.





	1. Blossoms Born of Land

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Tennriku day! and here I am delivering an angst fic. It's taken me about a month or so of nearly daily work so despite my cruel timing I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> If you're unfamiliar with the concept of hanahaki disease please follow this [link](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Hanahaki_Disease) and read up. The fic was written with the expectation that I didn't need to explain what this is, but just in case since I know some people aren't familiar with it.

Joint photo shoots with fellow idols weren't uncommon, although set up require a lot of work. The work itself, easy for the most part. Well, not so easy when organizing ten people. There had been a series of shoots with only two or three members and those weren’t terrible. Framing ten people at once was were things got tricky.

“Ah, Nanase-san careful.” Tenn had barely kept his footing after Riku had lost his. Riku stuttered out an apology before righting himself. Somehow during that ordeal, they had come to hold hands, and neither parted even after they went back to posing. Anytime they were alone they’d been doing it more and more. It was a simple comfort between their jam packed idol lives. For it to slip into their work lives unnoticed…

Tenn noticed. And quickly pulled his hand away. Hopefully no one would point it out. Except he’d been too slow. Not only had it saddened Riku, but the photographers requested they keep doing it. Something about showcasing the true bond between Trigger and IDOLiSH7. All too quickly Riku had intertwined their fingers again. Tenn’s heart my have skipped a beat. Not that he’d admit it.

Now was not the time for these feelings. He could get through the photoshoot and move on. All he had to do was stare at the ground, pick a random petal out of the thousands scattered around them as a focal point, and absolutely  _ not think about how soft and warm Riku’s hand was  _ .

__________

With only a few days before their big joint live, rehearsals ramped up. The scorching summer heat unfortunately did the same. Everyone was encouraged to take breaks as often as needed, although no one wanted to take anymore than they anticipated needing during the live itself.

After a few more songs, and a switch from Trigger’s set back to IDOLiSH7’s, Tenn sat down backstage with a fresh water bottle held to his head. It was rough but so many fans would fill these seats and he owed them the best performance possible. He took a long drink, or intended to before it went down his windpipe instead. He coughed roughly into his hand.

_ Blood?? _

The center of his palm was now red. His gaze fixed on it, as if he could blink it away. Then the splatter gently fluttered to the ground.

Petals. Crimson red.

"Oi, Tenn we need you back on stage."

Tenn scrambled to step over the petals. It had to be some freak phenomenon. A fluke in his system. He’d been in better health than ever these days.

"Can't do a routine without me leading you huh?" He looked away from Gaku as he stood.

"They need to make sure the spotlight isn't gonna go over your head."

An indignant huff came before he followed behind Gaku. Once on stage he found everyone gathered there. Mostly split off into their own subgroups.

"Tenn-nii!"

Tenn's chest went tight. He might have even winced a bit; surely this was just paranoia. Work stress had to be what had been causing him to feel so strangely around Riku these days.

"Haven't I told you not to say that so carelessly?"

"Relax. We all know already." Gaku chimed from behind Tenn.

"So what am I here for?"

"Spotlight check, I told you. You, Nanase, and the younger Izumi."

Tenn sighed for outward appearance. He prayed Izumi Iori would be between them. Luck was not on his side though as he somehow became the center of this grouping. Riku pressed close to him on one side and on the other Izumi Iori seemed like he'd die if they touched.

Swallowing all his complicated feelings proved tougher than expected. There was a constant twisting in his gut and a feeling like a rubber band around his chest. Riku always acted so happy and carefree during these kinds of events. Despite the length of his denial, Tenn knew what these feelings meant. But there was no place for them in an idol’s life. Muchless when the object of his affections was his own brother.

As if there weren’t enough scandals tucked beneath them. As if the simple fact of them being twins wasn’t heavy enough. Tenn needed this rehearsal to end soon. This heat left him sticky, wanting nothing more than a good bath and time to sort his emotions out properly.

__________

Everything about the day had been normal. Mostly. It wasn't every day that IDOLiSH7 sat in the crowd for a Trigger live. In a crowd of fifty thousand, they should have been impossible to spot. Yet Tenn's eyes floated straight to their section, straight to that red hair that barely seemed diminished by the dark lighting.

In that moment he was an idol. All his fans mattered the most. He'd swallow the lump, sing his heart out, go home and do it all again tomorrow. No where in his mind would Riku linger.

So he told himself. Over and over. For the entire live.

Between their last song and the inevitable encore, he ducked into their dressing room. There'd been a weird pressure in his throat, surely a result of everything in the air lately. He only needed a moment. He’d performed under worse circumstances.

A fit of coughs came over him. Worse than any he'd had in his life. Nausea washed over him the longer the convulsions continued. Something bubbled in his throat. Pushed to the surface and then—

"Tenn come on—" Ryuu was cut off by red spewing from Tenn's lips.

"Hold on, I'll get a nurse!"

"NO."

"But you're...that's...not blood?" Ryuu noticed how the blood scurried across the ground, how it moved with the motion of Tenn's hands.

"Oh okay. It's just flower petals— ahhhhh this is still bad!!"

Tenn wanted to curse Ryuu for being so loud.

"Let's just go back. Forget you saw this." Tenn kicked at the petals he could now identify as coming from anemones. How oddly fitting he thought.

"But Tenn…"

There would be no debate. Not even this would keep Tenn from delivering the experience his fans were here for. Somewhere in him was hope that  _ he  _ had left. At least the pain in his chest would lessen some.

His hopes had been too high. Nonetheless he did their encore strong as ever in appearance. Between lines, between words even, he’d had to swallow hard. Utilize turns and moments of Gaku or Ryuu blocking him to let out a stifled cough.

On their way back off stage he stumbled a step, bumped into Ryuu who merely looked at him with dull eyes, not dull so much as fearful. He met that gaze with an equally fearful one, but also full of pleading, begging even.

Trustworthy sat as one of Ryuu's defining traits. He never let it slip. Until the day months later when he sat beside Tenn’s hospital bed and had to be the one to tell Gaku. The sheets dotted with red before Gaku got there. Tenn could hardly breathe without coughing.

"You've been hiding this for that long?" How Gaku kept a calm voice had to be acting experience.

"I'd hoped it would go away."

"You know it doesn't…" Ryuu started

"So who is it?" Gaku interjected.

"Are you really going to make me say it?"

"Gaku, really, we don't need him to." Ryuu had slid a hand over Tenn's visibly shaking one.

"You could stomach all this but you can't even say his name?"

"You don't need to be so harsh!" Ryuu barked.

"...I hadn't even admitted it to myself until that first petal. How could I possibly say that I…" Tenn took a shaky breath. Ryuu rubbed circles into his hand. Gaku's shoulders dropped and his brows relaxed.

Tears pooled at the edges of Tenn's eyes only falling when he coughed.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you so much." Gaku admitted.

"When are you gonna tell him though?" Gaku spoke softly. Tenn sniffled, a few more shaky breaths, a couple more petals.

"I'm...not."

"What?" Both Gaku and Ryuu reacted.

"I can't just tell my brother that I'm in love with him."

"He wouldn't hate you for it." Gaku chimed.

"Oh yes. Because as you can see, I'm absolutely convinced he'd be my knight in shining armor."

"Can't know if you don't tell him."

Petals shifted with Tenn's grip on the sheets and fell in what would be a pretty scene in different circumstances.

"It's been hard enough living with these feelings. I don't even know when they started." He stopped to fiddle with a fold.

_ I'm the one who abandoned him. I don't deserve reciprocation. _

"So what? You're gonna get surgery without talking to him first?"

"I won't burden him with this."

"If that's really what you think is best." Gaku threw his head to the side.

There wasn’t much else to say. Gaku could try to convince Tenn to hold off. But there was hardly time. They'd only seen Riku at joint rehearsals and rabbit chat wasn't the place for something like this. Tenn had had a cold for three months now. They couldn't hide this much longer and if Tenn truly didn't want to confess then what else could be done?

"Promise me you'll still be here after?"

"Of course." Both Gaku and Ryuu.

Tenn stared out the window. He'd been told the surgery could be done today. Hours ago when he'd first been admitted he knew his decision.

His chest tightened more. All he could think about was Riku. Soundlessly, his lips went through the motions of saying those words. He wanted to say them at least once while he could still mean it.

"Riku...I love you." They left a tingling on his lips, a static he could have come to enjoy given the chance. How he wanted to say them to Riku, but he supposed he could after this without fear of putting the wrong emotion to them. After this, Riku would only be his younger brother. As it should be.

The surgery was simple. Hundreds, if not thousands of people had it done daily. Tenn would be fine, he knew this, yet the twisting, coiling feeling in his chest felt like death clawing through his lungs.

Things would be better after this. They had to be. No more complicated feelings, no more petals, no more suffocating around him. Everything would go back to how it was before.

Before Tenn had ever wanted to caress Riku's cheek.

Before wanting to hold him close.

Before feeling everything an idol shouldn't.

Before his heart had crossed that line.

All he could remember before going under anesthesia were memories of seeing Riku after those five years. How strong and brilliant he looked.

Then his eyes shot open to see fluorescent lights. His chest pounded, but felt...empty. He glanced around the room. It was empty. Past visiting hours he guessed.

He brought a hand to his throat. He swallowed and it felt normal. No roughness, no leathery texture, no taste of bile. He pushed his tongue against the top of his mouth and let it slide forward. Everything felt strange as if he'd woken up from a dream.

"Riku." He let the empty word fall.

Only a few hours ago it would have stung his chest, but now it came as nothing more than his brother's name.

The days after were strange. Even more dream like. All his focus went into work. He’d even forget he had messages from Riku. He would check his phone when it chimed, but if he were too busy then he would tuck his phone away and forget all about the messages. When he did respond he felt like it was a simple exchange with an acquaintance. A close business partner at best.

Some days he even seemed to forget Riku was his own brother. Ryuu would say something and it would hit Tenn as a thing that he should have known.

While he knew this more than likely came as side effects of the surgery, his heart didn’t hurt and that alone made him wish things would stay like this.

__________

"I...Tenn-nii I love you."

Something in Tenn twisted. Perhaps that was fate's dagger gouging his stomach. Tenn imagined his pulse would quicken if this scene had happened sooner. He may have even been genuinely nervous, but as it were, somewhere in the void of his chest something ached.

"I love you too Riku."

If he had to sacrifice everything he had left to keep Riku happy, he would. Merely a means to quell the bitterness he felt towards himself. Love may be impossible, but self-loathing, remorse, regret were all things he could feel.

As the door clicked behind Riku, Tenn sighed knowing exactly what was coming.

"We'll talk about it later." Tenn cut off the start of Gaku's rant. Gaku huffed but let it go. Their fans were waiting and didn’t deserve to be worried.

After the fan meet and dinner, Tenn knew he couldn’t push it off any longer.

“I received a rabbit chat from Nikaido Yamato. He wanted to know if Riku had ever coughed up flowers before.”

“He hasn’t I take it.” Gaku chimed. Tenn shook his head.

“So of course I’m thinking he’s stricken with hanahaki disease. But I assumed it had to be one of his group mates. So I put distance between us expecting him to focus on whoever it was.” Tenn stopped for a while to collect his words. In that moment that he’d first seen Riku backstage he could feel his heart leap at the scene, or well, knew it should have. Instead he’d panicked. There wasn’t time to think about how to handle Riku’s confession. In that moment he remembered the rabbit chat and felt like his hand had been forced.

“So you’re going to lie to him. String him along for what? Until the disease goes away? And then what?”

“He doesn’t need to know what I can and can’t feel. So long as he believes then that’s all that matters. And when enough time has passed, we can split without him feeling rejected.” Tenn spoke so easily, as if he were talking about work.

Gaku expressed his dislike for this plan, Ryuu did as well. If Tenn rejected Riku here, that was as good as clenching Riku’s throat with his own hands. Riku would never take the surgery, and Tenn couldn’t let Riku die like this.

__________

This day was inevitable. Tenn knew that and yet all the mental preparation in the world wouldn't have been enough.

Seven months had passed since he and Riku had started dating. Everything set to Riku's pace. Tenn had no urges, no desires towards moving forward. Although some days he swore he had flowers in his lungs again when he spent days with Riku that would have had his heart racing before. Now however, it all felt empty. As if he were— well as it literally were— going through the motions.

Guilt twinged at the fringes of his thoughts. This wasn't fair to Riku, it was cruel even, but Tenn would still sacrifice what was left of him before he would let Riku die because of him.

Their bodies were so close now, Tenn could feel Riku's breath on his cheeks. Truthfully, it left a sticky feeling that wasn't pleasant, but nonetheless he forced a hitched breath and leaned in closer.

Just before their lips would meet, Riku stopped.

"You're sure about this...right?"

"Getting cold feet now?" Externally he smirked, a teasing glint in his eyes. Internally, Tenn ached. This whole night, these seven months, could have been legitimate. He could have truly had his forbidden love.

"I just don't want either of us to regret this."

Daggers hit Tenn's chest. His breath hitched for real this time. He swallowed, hoping the sound went unnoticed.

"I know I won't." Lies. Absolute lies. Tenn already regretted everything that had lead to this moment. He would regret this and everything beyond.

Riku could never know that.

Riku  _ had  _ to stay happy.

At least for now, at least until Tenn could distance them and get Riku to hate him.

Tenn pushed forward, holding Riku's chin between his fingers. He tried to pretend that Riku was his world, that the moment their lips touched his heart would burst.

Riku's lips were warm and a bit rough. He kissed them again and again. The only feeling in his chest was something akin to having his lungs set ablaze. It left him short of breath.

While he pulled back, Riku stayed still. Slowly his eyes fluttered and it had to be the most radiant he'd ever looked. And Tenn forced a smile.

"Tenn-nii…" Riku whispered as he came to curl against Tenn's chest. All Tenn could think to do was wrap his arms around Riku. He'd wanted hold Riku like this forever if he could. Or, he wanted to feel that way. As it were, this was just another day, another scene.

Tenn set a kiss to Riku's crown. His limbs felt cold. Everything around him felt frozen. Except Riku who was everything Tenn didn't deserve. The quicker he ended this the better. And yet, he wanted a little more time to hold Riku like this, a few more kisses from those lips, before he accepted the demon he had become.

__________

How things had gotten this far, Tenn couldn't remember. Nine months living in lies had lead here. Vain as it was, he hoped the lies would become reality. The pain in his chest hit an all new high as he trailed a finger down Riku's bare chest.

Tenn adjusted to more comfortably straddle Riku which caused friction between their groins.

"How do you want this?" Tenn asked as he brushed back Riku's hair.

"Whatever way Tenn-nii wants."

He thought back to those months before the surgery. When he imagined Riku being under him like this. He remembered the euphoria that built when he'd think about how warm being inside Riku would be.

With his index finger he traced the curves of Riku's chest. Each inhale gave Tenn new dips and curves to explore. He wanted to drown in the feelings he would have had. Pre-surgery him had dreamed about kissing Riku everywhere and leaving marks everywhere that could be hidden.

He picked a spot over Riku's hip to bite down on. Between bites he'd flick his tongue across the spot. So little and Riku already moaned.

Tenn hated this. Everything, every little motion made his chest  _ ache  _ . How many nights had he dreamed this? How many times had he escaped to handle envisioning Riku like this, how he'd sound and all. Never once did he think it would be a reality.

Either of Riku's legs swung over Tenn's shoulder before a hand slid underneath Riku. One digit, that's all it had taken to get Riku clutching the sheets. Tenn felt sick.

"Tenn-nii." Riku gasped.

Nails dug into Tenn's forearm as he slid a second finger in.

"Does this feel good?" Tenn lowered his voice. He kept thinking about how Gaku had been when practicing lines for a voice acting job. Sultry, smooth, calm. That was all Tenn could do. Maybe fingers would have trembled, but that was much harder to fake. Riku couldn't tell a difference anyway.

"Tenn—" He almost screamed.

"Tell me what you want."

"Nnnn I-I want...more of you...in me." His face matched his hair.

Tenn leaned in towards Riku's ear, nibbling at the lobe before whispering,

"You want me that bad?"

The sound Riku responded with was somewhere between a moan and a whimper. He might have been pouting if his head weren't thrown back in ecstasy.

Tenn's stomach flipped as he lined himself up and slowly pushed forward.

This wouldn't take much longer. He just needed to last long enough for Riku to finish.

Riku screamed.

Riku screamed in pain.

Tenn stopped. His heart fell to his chest. Tears streamed down Riku's face. This was a mistake. Debatably bigger than getting that damn surgery.

"Riku, I'm sorry…" that was genuine. He never wanted to let things get this far. He wanted to let Riku down before this. Tenn got absorbed in the role. He had started living out the fantasy of his former self.

Riku's trembling shook Tenn to his toes. Tenn carefully sat back, giving Riku plenty of space to move as needed.

He reached out intending to wipe away Riku's tears but dropped his arm midway.

Riku sniffled and hiccuped. His eyes on the ground.

Swallowing a thousand needles would hurt less. Tenn couldn't stop trembling. While he couldn't love Riku— even though that was all he wanted now— worry and despair bombarded him.

He had to end this soon. He wouldn't hurt Riku anymore.

"Should I take you home?" He couldn't face Riku.

"It still hurts…"

"Stay here then? I'll be out in the other room if you need anything." Tenn started to stand when he was caught by the wrist.

"...don't leave?"

"I…"  _ don't deserve to. Say you hate me. Abandon me this time.  _ "If you really want me to."

"It hurts more being away from you."

"Riku…" This. This was  _ bad.  _ Riku unconditionally loved him. Despite all the tears, despite being hurt so badly, he still smiled.

How much would Tenn have to shatter to get Riku to hate him? What lies would he have to spin now?

_ Gaku...Ryuu...I screwed up. _

He felt pathetic asking them for help.

_ Are you okay? Is he okay? _

Tenn wanted to slip away and cry over the phone. Riku clung to him even in sleep.

_ I can't keep doing this...I shouldn't have done this. It's gone too far. _

He struggled with words to explain. Hiding things from Gaku and Ryuu never worked. However, he hadn't been completely honest with his intents and plans with dating Riku to begin with.

__________

"Yeah you screwed up."

"Gaku!"

"I admitted it."

The three men sat around a table in a secluded part of the bar they had reserved entirely for themselves once again.

Tenn tore a napkin to bits. Gaku sat with arms crossed and Ryuu looked like an ignored puppy.

"You have to end it. But you know that." Gaku pursed.

"I can't just break up with him though."

"You'd need him to do it." Ryuu spoke mostly to himself.

"You realize the lengths you'll have to reach to get  _ Nanase  _ to dump you?"

Tenn shrunk. He knew what he had to do. Actually doing it however…

_ Tenn-nii I hate you! _

The words echoed. He never wanted to hear them again. Unlike that time he would be causing them intentionally.

"Tenn…" Ryuu slid a hand across the table.

"You don't need him to hate you." Gaku chimed. Tenn sat puzzled. How else would he get Riku to break things off?

"Convince him it won't work out so long as you're both idols."

"Ahh that would work! We'll get Anesagi to book up your schedule so much so there's no time for you to spend together." Ryuu spoke far too happily for the situation.

"I'm not so sure that'll be enough to convince him." Tenn sank. Somehow death by flowers seemed preferable to being here. Although if he had listened to Gaku from the start…

"Gaku I'm sorry."

"Where is this coming from?"

"If I'd just confessed like you told me to… I could've kept Riku happy." Tenn's voice cracked.

"You did what you thought was best at the time." Gaku's tone turned a degree cold. He'd made it clear he never liked Tenn's 'plan' but he had respected Tenn making his own decision.

"You'll be on your own with him. But we'll be here to catch you afterwards."

Tenn wanted to thank Gaku, he had no clue what he'd do without him. But gratitude felt wrong for this situation.

  
  
  
  


A week had passed before Tenn had a day to spend with Riku. In that time he'd been able to think long and hard about how to drive distance between him and Riku.

_ Sorry, sudden work came up so I can't make our date. _

His shaking hands couldn't keep a hold of his phone. Every part of him hated this. Despised. This was necessary, Riku didn't deserve to be strung along to begin with, much less for an entire year.

At the start Tenn had been so dull to everything. Keeping Riku alive a task as mundane as a photoshoot. No doubt the 'dulled positive emotions' side effect. No one said how soul crushing it would feel.

Feeling nothing would be better than the gaping hole in his chest. That spot where his love for Riku had once flourished. And now, no matter how much he wanted, no matter how hard he tried, he felt...nothing for Riku. Nothing like he wanted. Riku was still his precious brother. But he didn't even bat an eye at anyone hanging over him anymore.

"Tenn?" He jolted. No one should have been here.

"Weren't you supposed to be with Riku-kun?"

Tenn didn't respond, only looked away from Ryuu.

"You're really doing this?"

"He'll believe it soon."

__________

The day hits like a lightning strike on a cloudless day. Nothing had been said, so Tenn relaxed. Their fight hadn’t gone as smoothly as Tenn had wanted, but nonetheless it had accomplished his goal. Nanase-san had gotten over him.

Then his phone buzzed. A group rabbit chat from IDOLiSH7,

_ Nikaido: Kujo, what happened? _

_ Surely he's told you. _

_ Osaka: He's been hiding in his room for days. _

_ Izumi Iori: We went to check on him because he'd even skipped meals _

_ Izumi Mitsuki: We heard him coughing and flowers were everywhere. _

That last message dropped his heart into his chest. He ran. Straight past Gaku and Ryuu, right into the rain. Into the IDOLiSH7 dorms, and stumbled into Riku's room.

Pink everywhere. Not even singular petals, but entire flowers.

"Tenn-nii." He coughed and wheezed until another flower fell out.

"Riku…This wasn't…" That void in Tenn’s chest screamed. Riku hadn’t called him that since before they broke up. Tenn had wanted to hear it again, but not like this.

"Hey, did you ever actually love me?" Riku smiled at the flower he set down.

"Of course I did." A truth among all the lies.

"And you thought I wouldn't reciprocate didn't you?" He looked upward with his flushed face, lips stained pink.

"I…" he broke. Everything had failed. In the end he couldn't save Riku. It wouldn't redeem anything, but more than anyone, Riku deserved to know. Thus Tenn told him everything, from start to finish. All the minute details, from how Tenn practiced lines in the mirror before their dates, to planning every move in their 'relationship'.

Tears stained flower petals. Riku's breathing came in gasps and wheezes.

"Riku you can still…"

"No. I'd rather die still loving you than never be able to feel this way again." Riku smiled. Through all the tears he smiled radiant as ever.

Of course Riku wouldn’t get surgery. What Riku radiated was pure love. An undying love that Tenn didn’t deserve. Anyone would have been lucky to have Riku. They would have been unimaginably happy with Riku supporting them. Tenn was happy. Happy that he’d gotten to reconnect with Riku, to even love him, but he’d muddled everything with a hasty decision. Now he had to accept that Riku would die because of him.

"Thank you Tenn-nii. For giving me the chance to love you. I just wish I could have been quicker to love you." Another dazzling smile as a tear fell.

Then the room flipped.

Riku's chest started heaving. His breath came short and labored. Each cough rougher than the last. Handfuls of flowers expelled.

This was it. They both knew it. Tenn came to sit beside Riku, soggy flowers aside and pulled Riku close.

Each sob and gasp that shook Riku shook Tenn in turn. Every cough felt like a countdown. Labored breathing rattled Tenn. The more Riku convulsed the tighter Tenn held him.

Weakly, with what was likely the last of his strength, Riku slid his arms around Tenn.

"I'll always love you." Riku choked on the words.

Everything went silent. Riku stopped wheezing. But his chest still contracted. Tenn's grip tightened. He knew full well that meant no air could get through Riku's airways...surely another flower had sprung into his throat atop it all.

All he could do was sit there, hold Riku and wait...until he finally went limp. Three minutes. That’s all it took. That was three minutes of Riku’s labored and fading breathes in his ears. The last he’d ever feel of Riku’s breath on his skin. The last of Riku’s warmth he’d ever feel.

Tenn didn't want to look. He didn't want to see Riku's pale face or blue lips.

Sobs crawled out of Tenn. Sobs that threatened to turn into wailing. He had to bite back it all. At least to save some face with the remaining six of IDOLiSH7.

He stuck around until Riku's body was hauled away and he'd given his statement.

Only a step inside, not even enough time to take off his shoes, he was enveloped in a two man embrace. Gaku and Ryuu said nothing. Simply held him and let him cry.


	2. Blossoms Born of Heaven

A night free in an idol's life was rare. Who they chose to spend it with and doing what said many things about what was important to them.

Late night walks were something Riku enjoyed when the weather was nice. Rarely though did he have company.

The last block had been walked in silence. Having Tenn by his side was worth more than any amount of words to Riku. Gradually they had inched closer to each other, neither realized it.

Something in the sky caught Tenn's attention, and during the motion of him looking up, his hand brushed against Riku's. Such a simple thing shouldn't have made Riku's heart race, and yet he could feel the pounding against his skull.

When they were younger they held hands all the time. It was a comfort. Now they were older, and idols. Nonetheless, Riku's fingers twitched. He wondered if Tenn's hands were still warm and soft like when they were kids. Or perhaps the hospitals had simply been that cold.

Riku shut his eyes.

Then he felt fingers between his.

Tenn's gaze still fixed forward. They walked like that for a few blocks, until they reached a main road.

"Um we should probably…" Riku tugged at their hands.

"Oh, yes." Tenn pulled away first. Riku almost chased, wanting just one more moment, but he resisted.

They were adults now. People would get the wrong impression.

Riku repeated that to his frantic heart.

_______

Recent rain had Riku convinced he’d only caught a cold. Practice had been tougher on him than usual, he needed far more breaks but nothing out of the ordinary. The only other significant difference in his life had been how Tenn seemed unusually distant. Perhaps he was worsening his own asthma by worrying too much. Trigger was busy these days afterall. Yet he couldn’t shake how tense things had been on the rare occasions they had seen each other. Riku failed to remember the last time Tenn had even stifled a smile.

While Riku sat on the bathroom floor with his stomach churning he wondered if he’d done something to upset Tenn. Even his rabichats were still unread after four days. He knew Tenn didn’t always have time to respond, but for him to not even read the messages within the day was strange. As much as Riku scoured his memories he came up empty for anything he could have done wrong. Tenn hadn’t said anything. Hadn’t shown a single sign of being upset or in a rough spot. He still smiled the same as always with Yaotome-san and Tsunashi-san

Riku’s chest tightened. His stomach knotted more. He’d started dry coughing. The convulsions shook his entire body. Fear crept through him as he started towards one of his spare inhalers, and then he stopped dead. At first he panicked thinking he’d coughed up blood, but after another moment he realized the blood was pink.

_ Flowers? _

His own wheezing echoed in his ears now. He scrambled for his inhaler and managed to get his breathing under control, but his chest still ached. A twisted sweet taste lingered in his mouth. After flushing the petals, he stumbled to his feet and made his way back to his room.

Once he'd fallen into bed, and despite the still spinning walls, he grabbed his phone and started searching for reasons someone would cough up petals. While hanahaki was a known thing, he'd never known much of it, or if it were the only thing associated with the symptom.

The more he scrolled and read the more questions he had. Cases of false hanahaki had been reported, instances where people with no romantic feelings towards anyone had found flowers in the lungs. Although those were rare, and still could be traced to some form of feeling rejected.

The more Riku thought, the more he didn't  _ think  _ he felt rejected? He couldn't even say he had proper feelings for anyone. Unless he followed the line of thought that often came with those cheesy anime Nagi had forced him to sit through.

If he did that, however, all signs would point to…

_ Tenn-nii _

The rare times they got to spend together made Riku incredibly happy. More so than being with anyone else. Never once did he think anything of how his heart would beat faster, how his pulse would quicken, or how much he hated when they had to part ways. Now that Tenn was being distant though...it hurt. A lot.

Between his thoughts, he’d clicked on information on the surgical procedure. A common procedure eased some worries, but the side effects shook him.  _ Inability to ever love the subject of the affliction, potential memory loss, temporary and permanent. _

If this were love...he would give this up just to live a full life? For as complicated and messy as his heart and head were, to never feel like this about Tenn-nii again caused instant tears.

Amnesia would be kinder.

If hanahaki could happen from any form of rejection...maybe that's all this was. A weird case brought about by the sudden shift in Tenn's behavior. He simply needed to convince himself this wasn't rejection. Simple.

  
  


For a short reprieve there were no more petals. No more sweet taste in his mouth. When it all seemed behind him, a full blossom dropped into his palm.

He'd been spending more time with Tenn, or at least messaging more. Riku figured he was simply paranoid. Then came a joint live rehearsal, the weather had turned unusually cold, and had given Riku a coughing fit. One bad enough that even Yaotome-san and Tsunashi-san worried. Yet Tenn sat there unfazed.

Regardless of what exactly Riku had felt towards Tenn, he felt rejected now. Although, deep down, he figured somewhere along the line of reuniting and seeing Tenn as amazing as ever, had lead to Riku thinking about his older brother in ways he really shouldn't. He'd never thought it weird to wonder how soft Tenn's lips were, how warm it'd be to sleep beside him or even to know what he looked like in the morning these days.

As fate would have it, only mere months later, he'd find himself tucked away in his dorm, developing another coughing fit. He'd wished the objection of his affection had been another group mate. At least that would simplify things.

No, at this point he couldn't deny his feelings for Kujo Tenn. Every live he sat in the crowd of, every message, every conversation got his heart racing in a way it never did with anyone else. Some days Tenn showed up so breathtakingly gorgeous that Riku literally couldn't breathe.

Admitting these feelings came more difficult than any live of his own. More painful than any attack. Nonetheless, he had reached the point. Admitted he loved Tenn like everyone thought he'd love Iori.

One sided these feelings were. Tenn never spoke of him as more than his little brother at best. They hadn't even gotten together just the two of them since...Riku couldn't even remember.

As another wave of coughs wracked him, he feared someone coming to check on him and seeing the flowers. Adrenaline fuel him into scooping up every last petal.

Someone had come to check on him. There'd been one petal he had missed. Every part of him hoped Yamato wouldn't see it.

"You okay?" His eyes drifted to the dancing petal.

"Ah yeah. Just got too cold I guess." Not a complete lie. Riku's chest did feel cold in a sense.

Excuses could only carry him so far however. He could hide behind his health issues for a while, but after too long it would bring concern and warrant a hospital visit. Nonetheless he did everything he could to hide each flower, every individual petal.

Then came the day flowers stuffed up his throat so much he couldn't sing. Even then he wanted to run and hide. To escape the concerned eyes of his group mates. No one had said anything and that made the whole situation worse. Not a single offer of a warm drink, or if they needed to change practice location. How they knew, Riku had no idea. They couldn’t have known the full scope. At the very least they knew this wasn’t any standard illness.

A few days went by with lighter rehearsal that Riku would duck in and out of whenever his throat clogged up. Despite everything, he hadn’t been ready for anyone, much less Nagi, to confront him.

Rarely did Nagi ask anyone to his room— how many times had Nagi simply barged into someone else’s room to spatter out whatever thoughts were in his head in that moment— nonetheless Riku went even though he hadn’t a clue what Nagi could want him for.

In the center of the room sat Nagi, a strange expression on his face as silence dragged between them. Just before Riku was about to say something the statuesque Nagi sprang to life.

“Riku. How’s your chest.”

“Huh? Uh. Fine. I’ve been taking my medicine.”

“No, no no. How’s your heart.”

“My…”

“Your voice doesn’t carry the same love. As if your heart were torn between two lovers.” Nagi had rather serious expression now, brows knit and eyes locked on Riku. A shiver ran through Riku. A fleeting thought that someone knew.

“You guys would know if I was dating anyone.” Riku forced a laugh. He would tell them. If his heart had been captured by anyone else they would already know.

“Oh I don’t doubt we would. But your heart cries for it’s feelings to be known.” Nagi had to be envisioning himself in the roll of an anime character. He kept that stern look and seemed to be thinking his words out well in advance.

“Riku.”

“Y-yes?”

“Kujo-shi needs to know.”

“Wha—”

“One cannot control the heart’s desires. As such, you had no say over your love for him.”

“You...knew?”

“Why yes. Riku reads like an open book. You smile so much more brilliantly around Kujo-shi than anyone.” Nagi’s smile was blinding compared to his earlier expression.

That had been the start of an all nighter. By the end of it all, Riku had not only admitted just how much he loved Tenn to himself and Nagi, but had even allowed Nagi to come up with a when and where to confess. Even after sleeping on it, Riku debating going through with it. Until he’d gone out into the living room where Nagi had told  _ everyone  _ .

Riku had been prepared for someone, anyone to be against this. To tell him he shouldn’t feel like this. Not a single opposition had been spoken. Even Manager and Banri-san were behind him, already in discussion of how they’d hide it.

Weeks of hinting and nudging at his feelings, building up the confidence and strength to confess in the way Nagi had convinced him of.  _ “It’s Kujo-shi. You must make an impression. Go granduire or you waste his time.”  _ Riku couldn’t argue with that. Now that he stood here, backstage at Trigger’s live as they neared the end of their set list, he shivered. The thought of ducking out the door and abandoning this crept to mind. A small cough crawled up his throat. He felt petals sticking to his throat. True he could live with his feelings never being spoken, but seeds in his lungs were already limiting him. Not to mention all the deals he’d cut with Anesagi-san to make it this far would be in vain.

The roar of the crowd, the chants of ‘Trigger’ echoed. Riku swallowed.

"Nanase?"

"Riku?"

He perked up at both Yaotome-san and Tenn. All of Trigger exchanged looks that Riku couldn't hope to decode.

Tenn took some steps forward, the other two stayed behind.

"It's good to see you." Tenn spoke soft, but exhaustion showed on his face.

"I-Sorry to show up unannounced…"

"It's alright. Though I doubt you worked your way past Anesagi just to see me." Somehow Riku knew by that quick glance of Tenn’s that Trigger’s manager was somewhere behind him keeping a careful watch on the exchange.

"I uh...yeah. I mean—" Riku was cut off by shouts of staffing rushing them back to the dressing room for an outfit change before the fan meet. Tenn had grabbed Riku’s wrist and tugged him along with them. Now more than ever Riku felt like he was intruding, like this was a bad idea. He had to push through.

"Um. I guess I don't have much...time." Riku tried to keep a grasp on his words while Tenn changed right in front of him.

Shivers ran down Riku's spine as he rolled the words around his tongue. He'd practiced them so thoroughly and yet they were stuck in his throat worse than any petals.

"I...um…" he gulped realizing Yaotome-san and Tsunashi-san would witness this "I...Tenn-nii I love you," His eyes clamped shut while his head fell “in ways I know I shouldn’t…” he hadn’t practiced that last part but now it felt necessary to avoid any confusion.

A long silence stretched between them. Agonizing. Not even a breath to be heard.

Petals pushed up Riku's throat. He swallowed. If fate were kind he could forever keep them a secret forever..

"I love you too Riku."

Riku sprang up, positively glowing as he met Tenn's smile.

"Really? You mean even, um..."

"Of course."

"I'll rabichat you later okay?" Riku nodded and practically bounced out of the room.

He stopped just outside the venue backdoor and held a hand over his still racing heart. The tightness in his chest already began to diminish.

As he started back towards the dorms, impatience got the better of him and he sent a group chat to his group mates. He would absolutely have to thank Nagi for suggesting this and pushing him.

If anyone were around they'd see the skip in his step and hear the hum of a Trigger song.

Excitement for an off day had never been so high, he only hoped their schedules would align.

He'd barely gotten his shoes off when Nagi rushed him.

"Tell us  _ everything.  _ "

Riku flushed at all the attention. Everyone had already known the plan, but naturally they wanted to know what had actually happened. Nagi came a tad disappointed that all their practice of grand literary romance lines had been for nothing.

Between Nagi’s continued complaints, Yamato and Mitsuki’s jokes, and everything else, Riku’s phone chimed with a tune that made him smile even more now.

_ I'm free on Thursday. Would you like to get lunch together? _

_ Ahhh I'm off then too so that works out! _

Planning the exact time had been an ordeal due to unexpected work issues, but everything aside, Tenn and Riku had managed to meet up for their date.

Even if it meant running a bit late, Riku wanted to get something for Tenn. He scrambled on what to get.  _ Something cute? Something romantic?  _ If he’d had more time he would have picked something special to Tenn-nii, but since time wasn’t on his side, he ducked into a nearby florist and picked up a bouquet of red flowers. Small flowers, nothing as fancy as roses, but some nice anemones; he only hoped Tenn would like them.

With the flowers in hand, he rushed to Tenn's place. He'd been told the door would be unlocked and to go right in.

“Tenn-nii?” Riku called out.

“Riku.” Tenn smiled brilliantly as he flourished a bouquet of pink anemones. Riku chuckled as he brought his own red flowers forward. They both laughed as they exchanged flowers. The irony hurt Riku a smidge, but he could brush it off easily enough with Tenn by his side.

In hindsight, flowers probably weren't the best gifts. Since they had to leave both sets there. Although that did mean that Riku would get to come back here. Maybe have a night with Tenn after their date.

Once Tenn had both sets of anemones in a vase —they had to be squished into one vase, but the red and pink intermixed was rather pretty especially with the rosewood vase— they headed out.

In terms of planning actual date activities, Riku hadn't quite been able to decide anything. All he really wanted was to spend time with Tenn. A walk through the park seemed simple enough.

Quickly Riku found himself utterly distracted. Cherry blossoms were still in bloom and the sight of Tenn surrounded by them left Riku winded.

"Should we go inside somewhere?" Tenn asked after Riku coughed just once.

"I'm fine. Just adjusting."

Tenn might not have been convinced, but he relaxed and let it drop. They continued on their path. Beside them was a small waterway that Tenn kept gazing out at. Between that, the trees and Tenn, Riku couldn't keep his gaze set any one place. Eventually he settled on the water and walked just a little closer to Tenn.

_______

Riku's blood had been boiling. They never fought like this. He wanted to think it was simply work stress getting to them. But there'd been that twisting in his gut. Something wasn't right. Sure Tenn kept smiling and saying he loved Riku, but the tone wasn't the same. Even in rabbit chats Tenn had become cold. The part Riku hated the most was how this all seemed to begin shortly after they’d had sex. While they still had their intimate nights and all, a line had been drawn that night. A line Tenn had drawn without discussion.

"Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?" Riku demanded once more.

"I told you it's nothing."

"I'm supposed to just believe that?"

"When have I ever lied to you?" Tenn faced him now. He seemed sternly set. Except his eyes. They were almost glossy. Softer than the rest of his face.

"Tenn-nii, just talk to me. That's all I want. If something's bothering you please tell me."

"Some things are better left unsaid." Tenn muttered something under his breath. Riku hadn't quite made it out so he brushed it off.

"So you are hiding things from me…" Riku's gaze dropped. Shaky breaths came and went from his heavy chest. His head filled with thoughts about how this was never meant to be; Tenn must have realized it too. From the beginning Riku wanted to believe them being twins didn’t matter, that that would only further their bond. Now it seemed he had been wrong.

"Being an open book only gives people more room to walk over you." Tenn turned away now.

Something in Riku's chest burned. Words floated through his head. Things he didn't want to admit to even having thought. Thinking before speaking wasn't a skill Riku had trained. But if ever there was a time he wished he had, tonight was that time. The words seared his lips as they rolled over,

"Maybe we should…"

"Hm?"

Tears streaked down Riku's cheeks in a mere moment.

"We should go back to being fellow idols." The air itself shattered like glass. There was a ringing in his ears now. Shallow breathing beneath it.

"If that's what you want...Nanase-san."

That was a hit Riku hadn't braced for.

Silencing the cacophony playing in his head was no easy task. He didn't want to be here anymore. Seeing...Kujo-san hurt too much.

He bolted out the door, ignoring Kujo-san’s attempts to stop him.

Riku didn’t even notice the rain clouds over head. The only thing on his mind was getting back to his room and hiding away from the world.

His room felt heavy now. So many memories made here. Even his bed seem to linger with Te— Kujo-san’s scent. Still Riku curled on his bed and tried to think of anything,  _ anyone  _ else. No matter what his thoughts always drifted back.

Days were spent mulling over everything, and hardly getting any response from Kujo-san and Riku found it hard to leave bed. He still went to rehearsals. Acted like everything was fine.

It should have been. They had a clean break, yet the entire time something didn't sit right with Riku. Kujo-san seemed to move on far too quickly. Perhaps he merely masked it well. Their backstage meetings never felt the same.

He should focus on IDOLiSH7. He knew this. Kujo-san wouldn't leave his mind though. Certainly didn't help that he couldn't go anywhere without seeing him. Every time he saw Tenn, regardless of in person or in photos, he would stare for a moment and wonder what Tenn had been hiding from him. What could be so heavy that he couldn’t say it to his lover?

Why he had gotten so upset over this confused him all the more. Until the moment he fell into a coughing fit. Not abnormal from the usual weather related ones. Except he could feel it. That lump climbing up his throat. He knew before he'd ever seen the pink blossom in his hands.

He supposed it'd been mulling in his mind for a while. Since even before their break up. Being idols wasn't Kujo-san's concern. The change in how they used to always steal glances during practice, how they didn’t use missteps as excuses to touch, the way Kujo-san was purely devoted to the routine and nothing more.

With every cough came a flurry of petals, if not a whole flower.

Love had withered.

Another flower hit Riku's palm. He clutched the pink blossom as if it would somehow bring him comfort. He thought back to that first date they’d had where they’d exchanged flowers. Anemones...just like the ones he’d been coughing up all this time.

More coughs wracked him. Flower after flower falling around him. They wouldn't stop. Attempting to bite them back only made things worse.

The knock at his door came as no surprise. By this point his coughs were more heaves. Water pooled around his eyes. His lungs burned. All the petals caught in his throat kept him from saying anything to his group mates that surrounded him now.

"Should we get him to a hospital?" Manager panicked.

"You know that would be the last place he wants to go." Iori replied.

"Riku, do you wanna talk to him?" Yamato asked.

_ Kujo-san... _

His chest heaved. The thought of seeing him hurt, but to not see or even hear him when things were like this… Riku wanted to see him at least one last time. Even if it hurt more, Riku wanted to hear what Kujo-san would have to say now. If anything of the past year had been genuine.

All he could muster was a weak head nod as more petals fell. Every part of him shook. How would this go? Would this be the true end? Or maybe, just maybe there'd be a happy ending past all of this.

Oh how Riku hoped. If this were a fairytale, he would make a deal with a witch. He'd trade his voice to stay by  _ his  _ side. Sell his soul so that surgery wouldn't kill his love. Reciprocation he could live without. All he truly wanted was being beside  _ him  _ , be it as lovers or brothers.

Each petal felt like a countdown. Another minute closer to forever being apart.

The creaking of his door made his breath hitch.

"Tenn-nii…" he bit back tears. Tenn had actually come.

Gravity increased tenfold. Tenn spoke between sobs. Recounting everything. How he'd loved Riku for so long, how he'd coughed up his own flowers, how he cried the whole night before choosing surgery. He hadn't wanted to lose Riku.

_ Silly Tenn-nii, I couldn't have rejected you. Even now… _

Yes, even with all this new information. For as much pain as their near miss caused, beneath it all, Riku's heart still raced at having Tenn's hand in his.

The pain in his chest with each wheeze, the salt staining his cheeks, none of it lessened his feelings. He squeezed Tenn’s hand. A moment later Tenn squeezed back. Fleeting glances.

"Riku you can still…"

No. That wasn't an option. Living a life without being able to love Tenn would be miserable. Even if Riku somehow fell in love with him again.

After all, Tenn had fallen for Riku again. Everyone would say he couldn't possibly, but Riku saw it. When he really thought back on everything he could remember that sparkle in his eyes when they were together. The care and tenderness behind every kiss they shared. Every second they spent together was another second Tenn devoted to Riku. All to keep him living. Even if that had all seemed to fade lately, Riku understood now that it had never been rejection. Tenn had been playing a balancing act based on how Riku acted.

True that Tenn couldn't feel it, but Riku knew in those actions that Tenn loved him.

This damn disease didn't.

"Thank you Tenn-nii. For giving me the chance to love you. I wish I could have been quicker to love you."

His throat felt aflame. Flowers were getting stuck in his airways now. Roots dug deeper into his lungs. Clinging to Tenn brought only a marginal comfort.

He hated to leave Tenn like this, but he could die happily. Burying his head in Tenn’s shoulder, Riku took in everything about Tenn, hoping he could carry the memories to whatever lay after this. Warmth rushed him when Tenn’s arms slid around him.

A tender embrace that Riku wished he could stay in forever. However, time ran short. They both knew it.

Even if it were his last breath, he needed to say it. He needed to hack up this last flower and let his last breath be a reminder,

"I'll always love you."

As if on cue, his body shook, muscles retracted. Not even a single molecule of oxygen could reach his lungs past the flowers that stuffed his esophagus now. Fear became his blood. He knew it would only be a few minutes. Those three minutes would feel like days.

Days for his body to finally succumb. For everything to finally go numb and his consciousness to slip away along with his last look at Tenn.


	3. Blossoms Born of Heaven and Land

Spring had come fast this year. The area had had a good rain with it. Now that blooming season was in swing, gardens were colorful as could be. Most had flowers of all varieties and colors. Even IDOLiSH7 had taken time to plant a rainbow around their dorm. Trigger hadn’t quite been so flourishing, but Tenn had taken a small plot out front to plant a handful of anemones.

Somehow he swore their red was even more vibrant this year. Perhaps the rain helped. Or maybe it was just how he’d gotten in the habit of sitting here for a while each day talking to them. Ryuu had told him flowers loved being spoken to. He thought it was silly, but considering the reason he’d planted these…

“It’s been sunny today. I’m sure you’d—” Tenn stopped himself at the sound of footsteps behind him. He always felt embarrassed when he was caught actually talking to them. Moreso when it was Gaku, but even Ryuu would cause him to stop mid sentence.

“Ahhh they really have bloomed well this year.” Ryuu commented.

“It not like I’ve been watering them everyday or anything.” Tenn huffed. He glanced at all the flowers again. Ryuu was right though.

“I know that. But still. They seem brighter than last year. You’ve been talking to them everyday too haven’t you?” Ryuu practically beamed already knowing the answer.

“I just think to myself around them is all.”

“Right right. Gaku and I are meeting up for lunch. You want to join?”

Any other day, Tenn would have feigned disinterest but gone anyway. Today though, not that he would admit it, he would need the company.

“Do you mind if I make a stop first?” As he asked his carefully removed two flowers. Two flowers that had somehow came out a tad discolored. Pink specks dotted their petals.

The first few times of visiting the IDOLiSH7 dorms came with some awkwardness. Tenn had always tried to let someone know beforehand. Ever since Takanashi-san had given him a key, he started simply going in unannounced.

“Ah, Tenten is here. Oh Ryuu-aniki too.” Tamaki had entered the room just as they arrived.

“Good timing Kujo. We just made tea if you…” Yamato stopped when he noticed the flowers in Tenn’s hand. At that he nodded and wrangled his group mates into any other room.

Against the wall opposite the door sat a small table. Flowers adorned the sides, a couple empty vases in between them and the picture frame in the center. The frame was simple in design but with multiple spots for photos of different sizes. Seven spots in total; the center spot being the largest, Three smaller ones to each side. Group photos of IDOLiSH7 surrounded the large one of Riku by himself, smiling from ear to ear. Tenn could never forget that picture. He’d been the one to take it.

He placed the flowers into one of the empty vases and had his moment to simply remember Riku. To let Riku know he still thought about him daily.

As he turned to leave, a chill crawled up his spine. That he could have brushed off. If not for the faint voice he swore he’d heard with it.

_ Tenn-nii!  _


End file.
